My daughter Tonya and I had a discussion last night about why people are the way they are.

I shared some info about our family history that she didn't know. I'll share it with you too. You might learn how to look at your own family for clues regarding why you think the way you do.

First, you would look at your own parents. But don't stop there. They learned what they know from someone too. And so did they. You really don't have to go back very far to start seeing the patterns. Here's an example.....

When my Mom was a very young child, her mother decided to marry a man who lived a "gypsy" lifestyle. There was no room for children in this lifestyle. Especially children from a previous marriage. So my Grandma dropped off her two little girls, the youngest being my mom, at her mother's house (my great-grandma) and took off so she could party.

My great-Grandma wasn't so great. She was VERY strict and VERY mean. Everything in the house was white and had to stay that way....she was one of those people. You know the ones. Children are to be seen and never heard, especially if you don't want them living with you in the first place. My great-Grandma also worked night shift as a nurse. So, of course everything in the house had to be quiet as a mouse during the daytime...no friends coming over....no music....no TV. And the only book in the house was the Bible.

No one spoke unless spoken to and great-Grandma was tight-lipped. So my mom never learned how to be an adult. Real issues were never discussed. Sex? Taboo! Politics? Taboo! Any differences of opinion? Taboo! And don't forget that my mom and aunt were ABANDONED BY THEIR OWN MOTHER!!! That was never discussed either. How does a little girl get over something like that? She doesn't without help!

My Mom married my Dad immediately following her high school graduation. My Dad was the youngest of nine, grew up on a farm, and was pretty much raised by his older brothers and sisters. He was drafted and went to Korea. That was the extent of his "traveling days." He met my mom while on duty in California, married her and brought her back to the family farm in Pensacola, Florida. I was born a year later and my Mom became Suzy Homemaker... her dream life.

My Mom raised me and my siblings as if we were dolls that would never grow up. We weren't taught ANYTHING about the world outside our home. We never talked about anything important. And we were taught that "personal stuff" should stay personal. Which, when translated, means that we weren't allowed to ask anyone else questions about things we didn't know. We just rode our bikes on nice days and watched cartoons on the rainy ones. That was pretty much my entire childhood. 

So of course I had the same expectations from my own life. I expected to get married, have baby dolls of my own and keep my house clean like a good wife does. That's it. That was my entire dream for my adult life. (I actually treated those "career days" we had at school like it was some kind of game I would never play. I never took them seriously. I didn't think I needed to.) So, I stocked up on bandaids for the skinned knees and lots of cartoon videos for the rainy days. I thought I was all set. And I never talked about anything important with my children either. I just flat-out didn't know how.

I did manage to adopt a "gypsy" lifestyle. My husband joined the Army and we travelled. I lived in California, Germany, Maryland, and Hawaii(!). I met lots of other moms from all different backgrounds and started noticing that other moms talked to their kids about important stuff!!!

Wow! So that's how you're supposed to be raising your children! You're supposed to help them to become self-sufficient adults able to make decisions on their own. You mean they're not just dolls? Hmmm....

It took me an unbearably long time to figure this out. By the time I did, I was already divorced (you see, I didn't know how to talk to my husband about anything real either), and my daughters were already set on the "other path" and I had no idea how to get them back on the "good path" so the damage wouldn't pass on to another generation.

Valerie, my ex's new wife, would be the one to help in that regard. She is amazing. I learned quite a bit from her when we were neighbors. She knew about holistic healing, something I had never heard of, and she encouraged me to take charge of my own healthcare. I had never taken charge of anything before, and I found I liked it! She actually helped me grow up!

Valerie had a lot of influence with my youngest daughter. Tonya and Tabitha (my oldest daughter) fought like they wanted to kill each other. I'm not kidding. Tonya decided on one of their summer visits with their Dad that she wanted to stay. I can't say I blame her. It hurt me at the time, but looking back, it was the best thing that could have ever happened to her.

Tabitha stayed with me most of the time, and since I was as emotionally mature as a 12 year old, she got the brunt of my frustration that my life didn't turn out the way I had "planned." (there really was no planning, but I didn't think about that at the time) Anyway, I wasn't the nicest person to be around. I had developed into a perfectionist who had little to no tolerance for anyone different than myself. (basically I didn't like myself so I had to find the faults in everyone else to justify the "superior ranking" I put myself in) You've met someone like that before. And yes, that was me.

BUT NOT ANYMORE!!!!!!! I can talk about important things now. I have knowledeable opinions now. I actually like listening to other people's stories now. I actually care about other people now. Real-Deal care, not just the fluffy "when I'm crowned I will work hard for world peace" kind of caring. It's now the "get in the dirty hole with someone to help them get out of it" caring. Wow!

Don't be fooled. It hasn't been easy, and some days I just don't give a rat's ass about anything, but for the most part I feel like a success in breaking out of those old patterns. I can't even begin to tell you here about all the steps taken, but if you have a specific issue that you're dealing with, I may have stumbled my way through it at some point in my journey to happiness, and I may be able to shed some light for you.

That's what I'm trying to do with this website. I never had an aunt who I could ask those tricky questions. Right now, we have two aunts at AuntBytes, Aunt Brenda and Auntie Di. We want to be the ones that you can ask anything, and if we don't know the answer, we'll find it for you...the TRUTH.

Most of us feel as though we have been damaged in some way. We want you to see that you can be okay and heal yourself just by making small changes in the way you think about things.

We're not superheroes or anything like that. We are real people. And we care.

Thanks for reading this extremely long blog. I hope you learned something.

Peace,
Brenda